I walked through those NICU doors once so scared, stressed and each day wondering if my baby was going to make it through the night. I was alone, tired, and pushed to a limit no one should ever be pushed to. Doctors, nurses and RT’s became my family. Different surgeries, blood transfusions, picklines, headtaps, feeding tubes are all some of the things that we had to grow accustom to. Seeing you’re baby for the first time with tubes running out of pretty much each body part isn’t normal. Waiting a month to hold you’re fragile sweet baby is one of the toughest things ever. Being given to option to terminate is enough to make you lose you’re sanity for good. Sometime you have to lose until you win.
It’s now a year after leaving the NICU. I walked through those NICU doors the other day but only this time it was different. I wasn’t scared or alone, I was proud and had my son in my arms. As I walked through those NICU doors I couldn’t help having flash backs from our time spent there. Seeing mothers who I once was in their shoes. The look of fear in their eyes as they quickly look up and then back down. I just wanted to hug each and everyone of them and tell them it’ll be alright again.
Seeing our NICU family a year later made my heart smile. These people were Paxton’s guardian angels. Seeing how they lit up when seeing him the same as I do. It made me cry to have such amazing people in our lives that care so much. Kid’s like Paxton you don’t ever forget they told me. All the progress he’s made and will continue to make, my child is the definition of a miracle.
It doesn’t seem possible that it’s already been a year. I remember coming home from the NICU crying because I missed our NICU family. I was scared that I wasn’t going to be able to take care of Paxton as well as they did. You see I was use to monitors telling me what’s going on and nurses telling me how to care for my son. I questioned if I was going to be a good mother or a good support system to this child. After the first night, I knew everything would be alright. I didn’t sleep for weeks after his come home. I was scared something would happen while I wasn’t watching.
The first night home while sleeping he gave me that crooked little ornery grin that I absolutely adore today. At that very moment I realized we were going to be fine. We have each other and that’s all we need. I became utterly and obsessively in love with this child from the moment I knew he was part of me. I fall more and more in love with Paxton every day that passes. He continues to amaze me daily with the obstacles he overcomes.
So for those of you mothers who are going through the NICU just note, it’ll be alright again. Never lose hope or fight. You’re baby needs you more then anything right now. There will be a light at the end of that long dark tunnel I promise. God is bigger then everything keep that in mind. He has a great plan for you’re sweet NICU baby. I hope you can read this and it give you hope. Hope that you’re baby will make it home soon enough. It may not be quick and easy, but you’ll get there.
A year ago, I was you. Today I’m the proud mother of a 15 month old very sweet little boy. Once 1 lb 10 oz with only a 10% chance of survival now, 18 lbs and living life to the fullest. I wouldn’t change any discussion I made in my life for Paxton. Everyone was right and look at us today because of them. I pray for the same for the families in the NICU now. May God be with you all and bless you as much as he has us.